The damaging effects of sex negativity 

Have you ever heard someone say something like,

“You don’t need all that negativity in your life. Get rid of it.”

This is how I feel about the way some parents raise their kids.

When I hear about someone feeling ashamed or dirty about their sexual curiosities, fantasies, and explorations.

Allow me to give you an example from my personal life.

I grew up in a very Christian home. I was raised to think that premarital sex was a sin and people who participated in it were dirty and  wrong for what they did. Not only that but you should repent and feel very ashamed and disgusted. If you were a female and doing this just know that no man would want to be with you and you will be forever labeled as a slut.

The one saving grace in all of my upbringing was, my mother being a nurse. Since she worked in the medical field and I was a very inquisitive child I got a very graffic description of where babies came from at the tender age of 7. By this time in my life I knew a few things already. I knew that

a. I had a vagina.

B. all guys had penises.

and C. it was me and mommy’s secret.

After my mother sat me down and explained to me all about sperm, eggs, embryos, and fetuses, I thought I knew it all.

As a side note after this little chat i was horrified of sex and I think that was her intention at the time.

Fast forward to my teen years and I had these basic medical concepts in my head however the actual sex knowledge was seriously lacking. My mother did a pretty good job at answering my questions to the best of her ability at the time and I will be forever grateful to her for that. I wasn’t made to feel ashamed yet because at the time I was planning on being abstenant.

Plans change and things happen and life goes on though, I fell in love out of highschool and I decided to loose my virginity a month after my 18th birthday.

This was when all the shame and feeling dirty sunk in. I hated what I did and I hated that I loved every minute of it. I thought I had forsaken Jesus and I was going to hell for it. In my mind God didn’t love me anymore and he didn’t deem me worthy of his love. My family wasn’t exactly supportive of my decision to have premarital sex either. I was called a slut, easy, and lots of other things. After hearing those kinds of things from people you love it starts to take a toll on your emotional being and that’s exactly what happened to me.

I broke up with my first sexual partner and my family was very quick to remind me that sincce I wasn’t a virgin the next person I was with was going to be disappointed. Not only that but they also swore up and down that my ex only stayed with me because I had sex with them. All of this made me feel horrible about myself and I vowed to not have sex again.

That lasted a year. I may not have had sex in that year but I did a lot of self reflection, research on sex, and other topics relating to it. In all my searching I came to a few conclusions.

  1. Sex isn’t a bad thing at all and shouldn’t be treated as so.
  2. 2. I am an adult and I have control over my own sex life, not my family, not my partners, me!
  3. 3. I want to go into sexology so other people can understand that being sex positive is so much more fofilling than going around with your head hung down in shame.
  4. Sadly there are many other girls who feel ashamed to even think sexual thoughts, read sexual books, or ask questions about sex. They think this way because their parents never spoke to them about sex unless it was to say that they shouldn’t have it because it’s dirty and shameful. These girls cannot express themselves freely when it comes to sex because they’re scared of getting judged by their peers or they just feel too dirty to do so. My heart aches for them because they haven’t broke free from their chains of shame and disgust.
  5. So how do we fix this problem, how can we create a safe space for our children to come to in their time of need?? It starts when kids are young. Tell them about their bodies as they’re growing up, explain to them that self exploration is okay, and if the kid is curious about sex don’t try to stunt their growth, give them as much knowledge as you can because trust me, you would rather them learn it from a trusted adult in their lives than the streets. One last thing, if they do something you don’t agree with, don’t shame them for it, don’t slut shame your child. That is just wrong on so many levels. I hope that this has reached at least one person and they can take something from this peace.
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